Leo's Angel Oak Tree

Friday, February 24, 2012

FIRST CAMPAIGN CHALLENGE!

I know I'm skidding into this one, but this has been the busiest week of my life! I really love the challenges and wanted to do this one.  I would love any feedback.  Here are the rules:

Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “Shadows crept across the wall”. These five words will be included in the word count. If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), do one or more of these:
  • end the story with the words: "everything faded." (also included in the word count)
  • include the word "orange" in the story
  • write in the same genre you normally write
  • make your story 200 words exactly! 
 Here's my flash fiction entry (Enjoy!):

Shadows crept across the wall. Standing in the abandoned church, Zoe held her breath and shrank down behind the last pew.  A man trudged through the door holding a candle. An orange handled shovel tucked under his arm reminded her of the way her father used to carry his hunting rifle. Something about him gave her the creeps.  Maybe it was the furrow between his brows or the creepy way his face was illuminated. Either way, his presence here felt wrong.

“Do you see it, yet?” The whisper, though trying to be quiet, echoed loudly. Zoe peeked above the rim of the pew. “Well?” came the voice again just as a boy stepped up to the altar.  He looked about her age, she thought, but she didn’t know him. Anyone with that face would be worth remembering.  What were they looking for in her private place?
She watched them tiptoe to a half-cracked plank beneath the altar. The man tossed the light to his partner as he wrenched the plank up with the shovel. He reached in and pulled out a diamond the size of a grapefruit. Zoe gasped. The man looked up, the candle blew out, and everything faded.

17 comments:

  1. Love! Great voice, and I am beyond intrigued! I need to know what happens to Zoe!

    New follower & you can check me out, I'm #82.

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  2. That's a great story that could lead to many things. (#91)

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  3. Oh! Exciting - I want to read more! Great tension and build-up of suspense.

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  4. I love a good mystery - and diamonds! lol Nice work!

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  5. I love a good mystery - and diamonds! lol Nice work!

    (Hi! I'm Susan from My Withershins. Sorry I have to use my alter-ego, but some sites do not seem to like it when we Wordpress folks want to leave a comment!)

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  6. A diamond the size of a grapefruit. Yikes! That would be a crazy find!

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  7. Oh I like it! The ending was great for what it was. One thing: I don't think you need the line 'though trying to be quiet" because whispers are already supposed to be quiet. So, it's unnecessary. Otherwise, fantastic work.

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  8. Whoa that was a very surprising ending!! Loved it! Great job :)

    I'm entry #19

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  9. Congrats! As a judge for this part of the fourth campaign, I've selected your entry to advance to round two. Good job, writer!

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  10. Wow, thanks for the great feedback! And thanks Lesann for choosing my entry in your top two!!!

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  11. I loved the slow beginning which ended in a great twist in the end. A well crafted piece.

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  12. I want to know what happens next! (Especially to the diamond, haha!) Fun piece!

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  13. Great entry! Very original. = )

    I'm #149
    melissamaygrove.blogspot.com

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  14. Hi Melissa, I sent you an email with links that I wanted you to judge. Have you received it? Please let me know.

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  15. Very nice . . . the suspense builds at a really nice rate. :-)

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  16. Good mystery! That's a very large diamond!

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